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Got piles? Try Anusmile, the new miracle cure! Only £29.99. Available from www.miraclemax.com.
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Thursday, August 30, 2007
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Staff
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The Head Waiter (a.k.a. Pastamasta)
Grinning, suspicious-looking mongrel with a black belt in Italian cooking. Has no sense of embarrassment. Dubious parentage and questionable personal hygiene. Reputed to possess an extra spleen. Lumberjack-Royal, freelance astronaut, and part-time pigeon hunter. Pink with a dash of cinnamon.
| Age: | As old as my tongue and a little older than my teeth |
| Star sign: | Banana |
| Blood type: | Single malt |
| Likes: | The sea, jelly babies, plasticine, coffee in all its glorious forms, small intelligent dogs, knife juggling, monkfish, talking complete bollocks, Led Zeppelin, cheese, air conditioning, Marmite, euphemisms, a cheeky little Shiraz, card tricks, salami, ancient Japanese throwing weapons, Billy Connolly, watermelons, mischief, snow, ears, people from Finland, helicopters, strawberries, semicolons, really furry bees, not owning a horse, crevices, being irregular |
| Dislikes: | Pigeons, fluff, lavender, home-improvement programmes, arrogance, expensive clothes, red tape, flies, being analysed, smoke, overcooked vegetables, ugly clouds, fascists, cats shagging at three in the morning outside your window, chavs, jobsworths, poorly-cleaned toilets, lazy use of English, queues, motorway arse, phlegm, the word "phlegm", grease, squirty cream, vexatious miscreants |
The Missus
All-round smiley person and general saviour of sanity of Head Waiter.
| Age: | A gentleman doesn't ask |
| Star sign: | Johnny Depp |
| Blood type: | Caffeinated |
| Likes: | Tea, more tea, Eastenders, not making dinner |
| Dislikes: | Hats, jumpy dogs, the Tube, stupid people |
Sarah
Small biscuit-based human.
| Age: | 4 years and 340 days, going on thirteen |
| Star sign: | Disney |
| Blood type: | Ribena |
| Likes: | Matchmakers, sniffing disdainfully, being a super fairy princess magic ballerina |
| Dislikes: | Not being old enough to tell everyone what to do |
David
Small milk-based human.
| Age: | 2 years and 363 days |
| Star sign: | Tinky-Winky |
| Blood type: | Lactose |
| Likes: | Hitting Head Waiter on the head with a toy piano and going "naughty daddy!", climbing large dangerous items of furniture, gurgling |
| Dislikes: | Height restrictions, being jumped on by heavy siblings |
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Regulars
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Jacques Chirac
Wrinkly French political bigwig whose head bears a remarkable resemblance to a Brussels sprout. Regular patron and vociferous wine critic. Voted "Person Least Likely To Agree To Anything 2003".
His Galactic Magnificence Archpope Dave the Hirsute
Hairy-bummed saviour of the Universe, and occasional dishwasher.
Chairman Mouse
Revolutionary rodent guerilla and connoisseur de fromage. Pilferer of food stores and slayer of imperialist cats. Beloved leader of his mousehole. Sometime soapbox orator. Long Live The People's Glorious Cheese Production!
small yellow hopping blobs
Appear at odd intervals in the kitchen. Believed to be an ancient race descended from a piece of gorgonzola left under the fridge in 1982.
small green tentacled blobs
Related to the small yellow hopping blobs. A state of religious war exists between the two clans as a result of the Great Blob Mucus Transubstantiation Schism of 1995.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
AKA The Governator. Comedy political barnstormer, utterer of predictable yet snappy one-liners, and eater of enormous burgers.
The Mischief Gnome
Invisible gremlin who inspires staff and customers alike to impulsive acts of madness. Fond of smoked salmon.
a llama
Wandered onto this page by mistake while looking for a cure for its back problems. Has now been ejected forcibly by the Management.
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Stuff
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pigeons
Grubby feathered vermin who should all be shot and made into pies.
coffee
Liquid gold. Head Waiter's favourite beverage. Donations of coffee beans gratefully received, contact the Management for details.
snow
It's cold. Head Waiter slides down mountainfuls of it with a plank strapped to his feet, for kicks. Sometimes he falls over. Okay, most of the time he falls over.
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2003
